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Consentual sadism is not violent
Aug. 16th, 2005 05:22 pmI sometimes drop into the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
feminist community, trying to decide if I want to join it or not. Recently they had a huge discussion over there of BDSM -- the usual go-round of whether or not it's sexist for women to bottom to men, whether or not the sexuality of kinky people is politically incorrect, etc. Something said in this comment made me annoyed:
Why is it that people think SM involves violence?
True, SM sex can get out of hand. In that way, it's just like vanilla sex. A fucked up person can start out making love and end up hurting or killing their partner. It's not the way they were having sex that's to blame, it's the fact that they were fucked up. Also true, SM relationships can involve emotional and physical abuse. Well, so can relationships between Quakers, or between Jainists. It's not the philosophy that makes a relationship abusive, it's the fact that the people in it are human beings, and human beings can be incredibly cruel to the people they love.
All that being said, I think SM is one of the most completely nonviolent activities humans engage in.
When someone stabs another person, that's violent. But when a doctor cuts another person's body open, that's nonviolent: it's medicine. Yes, it looks like violence, which is why many people, including myself, find it hard to watch documentaries of surgery, or scenes in movies that depict surgery (and why movie depictions of surgery are usually far more bloodless than the real thing). Likewise, falling on a sharp object which impales you is violent. But getting a body piercing is not violent, even though it involves being impaled by a sharp needle. Attacking someone with a razor is violent, but scarification is not. We know that there's a difference between unwanted physical injury and injuries that are wanted.
Prisoners of the American military whose feet get stomped on are the victims of violent torture. People who choose to wear high heels because they think it looks sexy may suffer just as much pain, and in the long term their feet may be just as damaged. We know there's a difference between unwelcome pain, and pain which we choose to inflict on ourselves because we see the benefit as worth the cost.
Rape is violent. Movies that depict rape are depicting violence. But what happens between the actors who create depictions of rape is not violence, and even if the depiction was done in one take, rational people don't accuse the actors of committing a violent act. Because rational people know the difference between real violence and pretend violence.
SM may pretend to be violent, but it actually isn't, because the injuries that happen in it are wanted and asked for, and the pain inflicted by it is chosen.
feminist community, trying to decide if I want to join it or not. Recently they had a huge discussion over there of BDSM -- the usual go-round of whether or not it's sexist for women to bottom to men, whether or not the sexuality of kinky people is politically incorrect, etc. Something said in this comment made me annoyed:
It is not anti-sex to wonder if ALL sex can possibly be good sex. I'm not being bigoted here; I like being dominated by my partner. It could just be that that's what I like. It could ALSO be that for some reason society's conditioning about women's place has made it into my bedroom. I think WHENEVER violence is being used, even if it's consensual, we have to question it. Maybe the answer we come up with is that it's totally fine, that it's individual preference, whatever. I just think that it would make things so much easier if we could at least agree that it's ok to look at the ways society affects our sexuality and to understand that very often our personal decisions about sex are influenced by society and can in some instances influence society.
Why is it that people think SM involves violence?
True, SM sex can get out of hand. In that way, it's just like vanilla sex. A fucked up person can start out making love and end up hurting or killing their partner. It's not the way they were having sex that's to blame, it's the fact that they were fucked up. Also true, SM relationships can involve emotional and physical abuse. Well, so can relationships between Quakers, or between Jainists. It's not the philosophy that makes a relationship abusive, it's the fact that the people in it are human beings, and human beings can be incredibly cruel to the people they love.
All that being said, I think SM is one of the most completely nonviolent activities humans engage in.
When someone stabs another person, that's violent. But when a doctor cuts another person's body open, that's nonviolent: it's medicine. Yes, it looks like violence, which is why many people, including myself, find it hard to watch documentaries of surgery, or scenes in movies that depict surgery (and why movie depictions of surgery are usually far more bloodless than the real thing). Likewise, falling on a sharp object which impales you is violent. But getting a body piercing is not violent, even though it involves being impaled by a sharp needle. Attacking someone with a razor is violent, but scarification is not. We know that there's a difference between unwanted physical injury and injuries that are wanted.
Prisoners of the American military whose feet get stomped on are the victims of violent torture. People who choose to wear high heels because they think it looks sexy may suffer just as much pain, and in the long term their feet may be just as damaged. We know there's a difference between unwelcome pain, and pain which we choose to inflict on ourselves because we see the benefit as worth the cost.
Rape is violent. Movies that depict rape are depicting violence. But what happens between the actors who create depictions of rape is not violence, and even if the depiction was done in one take, rational people don't accuse the actors of committing a violent act. Because rational people know the difference between real violence and pretend violence.
SM may pretend to be violent, but it actually isn't, because the injuries that happen in it are wanted and asked for, and the pain inflicted by it is chosen.